


Season 1 Episode 4: The Sexy Party - Finn's POV

by Fanningon



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-26
Updated: 2014-04-26
Packaged: 2018-01-20 19:53:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1523585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fanningon/pseuds/Fanningon





	Season 1 Episode 4: The Sexy Party - Finn's POV

He ruffled his hair to the side.

_Make me look like I'm going fucking bald._

Back to the front.

_Now it looks like I'm not even trying!_

_Wait. That's probably a good thing._

He sat on his bed, his hands shaking.

"Why the fuck am I shaking?" He said more angrily than he really felt. He looked at all the shirts strewn across his bed and then up at the red one he was wearing. He'd never actually thought about what he was wearing before, beyond whether it smelt or not, that is. This new territory was grating on him, but he couldn't seem to stop.

He looked at the phone, picking unconsciously at his nails. He picked it up and called the hospital again.

The nurse's voice was reassuring. There was no change, she was fine.

"It's ok Finn." The nurse said, she knew him from being around the hospital so much. He visited his Gran almost every day. "She's fine." She repeated for the third time.

He hung up the phone feeling calmer.

He ruffled through his duffle bag of music.

Pulp – His and Hers. Mainstream, but he wanted her to hear Crocker's voice in 'Remember the First Time'. She appreciated good vocalists. But he took out 'Different Class'. She'd laugh at him too much. Way too mainstream.

The Prodigy – What Evil Lurks. He was pretty sure she wouldn't have heard this one.

Oasis – he was tossing up between 'Definitely Maybe' and 'What's the Story Morning Glory'. 'What's the story' had 'Wonderwall' on it, and he knew she liked that song.

_Wait, am I doing a bunch of songs that I know she likes, or am I trying to show her stuff she might not know?_

He didn't really know the answer so he got up and looked at his shirts. But within minutes he was sitting in front of his music collection again. He looked at his Crowded House album and worried what she'd think, so he put it aside. His bag was already bursting full, he'd spent the last week adding to it, trying to find music she didn't know. The party seemed like a good place to show her. He could imagine them sitting together going through the music while the rest of the party happened around them. A ghost of a smile lit his face, but he hardly noticed as he sorted through his albums, carefully considering each one.

"Placebo? In. Ash? In. Chemical Brothers? Out." As he went through the albums, the ones that were deemed Rae-worthy went in the bag, and those not so much, went back on the shelf.

"PJ Harvey. Definitely in. The Cure," He chose one of the three albums he had, put it in. But he changed his mind and looked closely at the track listings on each one, in the end choosing 'the head on the door'

He started humming "Close to Me" by the Cure as he continued to sort out the mess he'd made in the duffel bag. He sang the first verse, knowing every word, but after that he only sang a few lines here and there absent-mindedly amongst the humming.

_I've waited hours for this_

_I've made myself so sick_

_I wish I'd stayed asleep today_

_I never thought that this day would end_

_I never thought that tonight could ever be_

_This close to me_

_…._

…  _feel the fear before you're here_

_…_

…  _Hold my breath_

_And wait until I shake_

_…._

_… If only I was sure_

_…._

_I never thought that this day would end_

_I never thought that tonight you'd ever be_

_This close to me_

"Rae probably loves that song." He hardly realised he'd spoken as his fingers caressed his albums and his mind searched for something that would impress her.

"The Smiths, in. Eels, so in. House of pain," Finn pulled an embarrassed face, "really not in. The Stone Roses, do you really need to ask Finnley?" He put the album in the bag, "Primal Scream, in. Tricky, in. Beck?"

He was there for another 45 minutes before Chop calling pulled him out of his reverie.

"I've got it dad!" He called down the stairs.

"We're going round to Rae's early mate. Get ready for our sexy party!"

"Sorry!" His dad's voice on the other end, "Picked up the phone, didn't realise." He hung up and left Chop and Finn alone on the line.

"Fuck mate d'you think he heard?"

"Dunno."

"Anyway, you in to coming to Raemundo's place early?"

"Alright."

"I'll be there in thirty minutes."

"Alright."

Finn hung up the phone and saw his reflection in the mirror. He raised his top lip in a sneer of disgust and took the red shirt off, opting instead for his grey one.

Finn looked at himself in the mirror more closely.

_You know, all the girls think you're the fittest boy in school._  Stacey had said that to him. He should have realised as soon as she said it that, she was after a trophy, not an actual human being.

He studied his face and frowned at himself.

"I don't see it Stace." He repeated the words he'd said to her when they'd been dating. He peered closely at his features, squinting his eyes and moving his head from side to side slowly.

_Oh shit._

A pimple. On his left temple. He tried pulling his hair forward to cover it.

"That'll do it."

_I'm sick of looking at myself in the mirror._

_I were doing it a lot lately. Tryna figure out what I had that made some girls like me, and others not even look at me._

_Stupid thing to think about really._

_Not like I can change it._

_It were becoming a bit of an obsession but._

He looked down at his jeans and decided to change them.

—

Twenty minutes later he sauntered down the stairs looking fairly nonchalant.

"I thought you were going upstairs to change?" His father was sitting in the kitchen reading over some documents from work.

"I did." His father looked at him quizzically.

"Looks exactly like what you were wearing when you went upstairs." Finn shrugged and went into the kitchen. He grabbed some bread and made himself a sandwich and a cup of sweet white tea before sitting with his father. His father put the papers aside.

"This party tonight?"

"Hmm?" Finn said around his sandwich.

"I heard Arnold calling it a sexy party?" He said those last two words with mild bemusement.

"Yeah but that don't mean nought does it? It's just Chop."

_Fucking Christ Chop._

_Sexy party. What a stupid thing to call a party._

"You're a 17 year old boy, Finn, every party is a sexy party for you."

_Oh God no, I'd been avoiding this talk with me dad since I were 14._

"Yeah, well, I should probably go, so I'm not late." Finn started to stand up but his father shook his head, so he sat back down with a thud and an unimpressed smile.

"Don't give me that look." His father started to laugh, "you're 17, I know you don't need the birds and bees talk, but," He got up and went into the lounge room and returned a moment later with a box of condoms, "you do need these."

"Thanks dad." Finn took them and looked awkwardly at the box for a moment.

_Mixed box? What the fuck is that?_

_Ribbed for her pleasure?_

_Strawberry flavour?_

_French tickler?_

_Glow in the fucking dark?_

_What the fuck?_

"Dad?"

"There's some boring ones in there as well if your lass isn't into good sex."

"Thanks." Finn answered, bewildered. This little gift from his father was a reminder that even though his father had had to cut his hair short and shave the raggedy beard to get that promotion, he was still the wild-at-heart rocker he'd always been.

Finn took the box back up to his room and tossed it on the bed. He was about to leave his room when he paused, hesitated, then returned to the box of condoms and ruffled through them.

"Ribbed for her pleasure. Sounds good." He took a plain one as well.

Just in case.

_Chop's always banging on about sex and girls._

_Poor Archie, he hates this sort of talk._

Finn gave Archie a sympathetic look. And Archie smiled stiffly in return, his lips thin and his hands in his pockets.

_I wonder if I should talk to him._

_Nah, leave off mate; it's his business not yours._

"Hey Finn, that girl's having a right look at you." Chop whispered loudly to him. "We should invite her and her mates to the party!"

"No, it's Rae's place, we can't." Finn said quietly as he turned away from the girl to see Archie looking interestedly at a guy from her group of friends. Finn looked over and saw the guy look back.

_Oh fuck._

_Yeah, Archie's definitely looking._

_And he's definitely looking back._

"Oh come on Finn, her mate's pretty fit." Chop nodded at the girl, standing and talking, giggling with the girl that kept looking at him. Finn screwed up his face; worried. He looked back at Archie who had looked away with a pained look, and the guy with the girls who was looking wistfully at Archie.

"Alright." Finn said reluctantly.

"Good, cos I were gonna anyway!" Chop grinned toothily and practically bounded over to the group.

Finn was feeling a tightening in his stomach that he didn't really understand. He'd been to plenty of parties before, but this one was making him nervous.

_Maybe it were just Chop constantly calling it a sexy party, or the way Archie had looked at that cute lad. I hope nothing goes wrong with Archie._

_I wish this feeling would sod off._

He thought about his Gran and looked around to see if there was a pay phone, but he couldn't' see one.

—-

An hour later they were heading to Rae's house. They'd picked up the rest of the gang

He picked up his duffel bag of albums and looked up at the house, he could feel the big stupid smile on his face and for some reason felt like he had to scowl to counter it.

_Stop being a twat._

He couldn't understand all these feelings that had been jumping around inside of him lately. He turned to look at Rae's house again and fidgeted uncomfortably. He hated feeling jittery like this.

_Just relax Finn!_

_Fucking hell._

_Why are you so fucking antsy?_

He felt irritated with himself and wiped his palms on his jeans and turned to look at Rae's house again.

_Fucking 'sexy party.'_

"Oi!" Chop called, motioning for him to bring in some drinks.

His heart skipped a beat as she opened the door looking mildly unimpressed and bewildered.

He barely noticed the tightening of his stomach. He was glad to see Rae. He noticed how the gang all lined up to give her a hug, except Chop off course, he'd probably never be a hugger. But none of the gang had really been huggers before Rae. But according to all reports, Rae gave good hugs, and Finn was glad to finally be in the position to be the receiver and benefactor or a real Rae hug. He didn't count the one where he had his shirt off; he'd hugged her awkwardly.

_It felt nice to see how close all the gang was. And I had been starting feel lately that I were part of that closeness. Like we was some sort of adopted family; we looked out for each other. Although most of the time it felt like it were just Rae looking after the rest of the gang. But we was solid now – Rae and me, so she'd probably look out for me too now._

He didn't mind how pleased that thought made him as he leaned in to hug her.

"Alright Rae, give us a hug!"

She stopped him.

"I've got a no hugging policy."

"But I just saw you hug Archie."

"Yeah I just implemented it in the last 3 seconds."

And then she gave him this dismissive 'you're a twat' look.

He returned it and walked away feeling confused.

He went to the other room, so he wasn't with the gang and put the music on the floor with the player.

_Does she still fancy Archie?_

_Why the fuck do I care, it's not my business._

_Why wouldn't she hug me?_

_I thought we was mates._

_Maybe it's nothing._

_No, but she treats me different._

"Oh leave off Finn." He said to himself, annoyed at the way his mind was being preoccupied with insignificant things.

He looked down at the bag filled with music and grinned to himself. They were going to have a great time tonight. He turned to find the gang and saw his reflection in the window.

He felt oddly displeased with the way he looked. He hated the way the grey shirt made him fade into the background with the furniture.

Archie sat on the lounge and Finn started to busy himself with the music. They grabbed a beer and started to chat. He noticed Rae looking unhappy, saw her talking to Chloe, but tried to not dwell on the weirdness between them. Chop told his one eared elephant joke and Izzy laughed.

"Cheers!" Archie started them all off.

Finn mentally prepared for the evening ahead.

"Everybody-"

Rae was going to get more alcohol.

Finn jumped up to let her know what he had planned for the night for them. He was pretty excited to see her reaction to the music he'd selected for her.

_I'm gonna throw down the gauntlet and watch her get right pissed at me. We'll fight about music all night._

"Ya Rae-Rae. I've got some tunes here that you might not have."

"Right, just stick 'em by the rest of the CDs then."

"Na, I don't want to step on your toes, music-wise. I know how you like to think you have that superior knowledge of music an' all."

"Yeah, right. Whatever. I've gotta go."

He watched her leave.

"Yea alright buddy." He called after her.

Somehow the word buddy sounded wrong to him.

_Rae-Rae? What the fuck?_

_And why weren't she interested in music and me._

He thought back to when she'd taken his money for the jukebox. She'd been so up for the challenge. He really admired that. He'd hoped to provoke that a little, alright a lot, tonight.

The door closed behind her and he stared at it for a while, biting the inside of his mouth like he always did when something was particularly frustrating or confusing.

Or both.

But it wasn't long before Archie caught his attention, gave him a curious look and then dragged him back into the gang's shenanigans.

After a while he started to wonder where she was, but tried to ignore it. Things were gnawing at him.

His gran.

His music bag sitting unopened.

Why it mattered so much that she was being a knob to him.

_I really want her as a mate. She's alright. And I like the way she makes everyone in the gang so… happy._

He decided to put it out of his mind; they'd figure it out. And besides, people were starting show up.

He stuck with his mates, as he always tended to do at parties. And they had a great time, Chop disappeared into the crowd all the time, but he was just like that. People drifted in and out of their conversations. But still no Rae.

_Where is she?_

_I hope she's ok._

He was caught in his own thoughts for some time, until hearing Rae's name pulled them out.

There were a lad sitting across from him, wearing two hats, talking about how he knew Rae.

Finn's interest peaked; it was always interesting to meet your mates other mates.

"I'm Danny by the way." He said.

The gang introduced themselves.

"I'm Finn."

"Finn did you say?"

"Yeah."

"You're Finn?"

"Yes." Finn gave a confused look.

"Ok."

"So how'd you know Rae?" Izzy asked keenly.

Finn noticed that he was a strange guy; the way he held himself and the way he moved. Anxious or nervous. But he was funny and he seemed to care about Rae. Danny explained that they'd been mates for months.

"I'm a bit heartbroken though." He continued, "Cos last month we started dating, and then after just a few weeks she broke it off with me."

Finn suddenly found himself re-examining Danny. Looking at his large, kind eyes and feeling self-conscious that he squinted too much. He looked over at Chloe, who seemed bewildered by this guy; it was obvious that Chloe hadn't heard of him.

_Why wouldn't Rae tell her best mate about her boyfriend?_

Danny started talking about being lovers with Rae and how incredible it was, Finn felt unnaturally curious. He normally didn't care about sex talk too much.

"Best sex of my life!" He exclaimed before launching into a detailed story about their sexual escapades and exactly what Rae was like in the sack. After the initial curiosity wore off Finn started to feel unreasonably hostile towards Danny. He didn't understand why, but he decided quickly that it was probably just the betrayal of trust – coming in here and telling everyone about what they'd done.

"How about you stop now Danny?" Finn said softly. But that made Danny smile widely, and Chloe, and then Izzy encouraged him to continue. Which he did, and in great detail.

Finn lowered his eyes and stared moodily at the floor. For some reason he felt irritated at Rae for inviting him; it was supposed to just be the gang tonight.

He smoked a cigarette, drawing heavily and looking anywhere but at Danny.

He was rolling his third cigarette when he saw Rae heading towards them looking pretty unimpressed with Danny. Finn watched their interaction closely. Watched their faces as he finished preparing the smoke. He felt pretty pissed off, and he couldn't explain it.

As expected Chloe took Rae off to get the gossip on Danny. Finn tried to not watch them go, but he very much would have liked to be have been part of that conversation.

_This is stupid Finn!_

_What does it matter who this Danny guy is?_

_Oh bollocks he's still going on about it._

_I really don't like hearing this stuff._

_Why didn't she ever tell us about this Danny guy?_

_Why do I even care?_

_Look, see, Chloe's upset Rae didn't tell her. It is weird she didn't tell me. Us._

Finn furrowed his brows when Rae came back and dragged Danny away.

"Do you think they'll make up? Maybe do it?" Izzy asked excitedly.

"I don't think so Iz." Archie answered, "Rae looks right pissed off at him."

Finn felt his lips twist with a satisfied smile.

"I'm gonna get a drink." Finn got up.

"I'll join you." Archie followed him into the kitchen. Finn looked over at Rae and Danny. She didn't look pissed off at him anymore, but they certainly weren't making up. When he turned back to Archie, he found his bet mate's eyes on him, smiling knowingly.  _I hate it when he does that smile. He always knows something I don't._

The first time Archie had given him that smile was when they'd been about 8 or 9. They'd been eating bags and bags of lollies and Archie stopped and told him he'd get sick if he didn't stop. Finn had told him that lollies couldn't make you sick – it was against the law. Archie had given him that knowing smile and not said a thing. Sure enough an hour later Finn had been vomiting and Archie was fine. Finn hadn't eaten lollies ever again.

He scowled at Archie, which only made his smile broader. Chop wandered over with the girl that had been eyeing Finn at the booze-shop. Introductions aside, Finn now felt obliged to talk to her for a bit. She seemed nice enough, so it wasn't terrible, but he usually preferred to not…

_I don't know why Chop keeps doing this to me, he knows I don't really like it._

_Plus I really want to get away and ring me Gran._

_Oh hey, there's Rae. Maybe she can take me to quiet phone and I can ask her about Danny before I ring me Gran._

_I feel sick. Maybe Archie knew I was feeling sick? And that's why he gave me that fucking grin of his?_

"Rae, mind if I use your phone to ring up?"

"There's on in me mum's room."

_Ok, now ask her to come with you._

"Well I'm gonna freshen up, so I'll show you where it is." Chloe took Finn's hand and he looked back at Rae. Twice.

Upstairs Chloe stopped and turned to him, stepping close enough for him to feel her breath on his skin, she slowly pointed at the closed doors; "That's Linda's room there's a phone in there, that's Rae's room. I'm just going to bathroom. Do you want anything before I go?" She leaned in closer and Finn stepped back.

"Thanks Chloe, I'm fine." He turned to Linda's room and Chloe paused a moment before heading to the bathroom. He heard the door close and turned to look at the door to Rae's room. He turned away and went to Linda's room.

Finn rung up the hospital. No change in his Gran. But they did let him talk to her for a bit and it eased his nerves. He took a moment to feel his relief before heading out of the room. He looked back to the door to Rae's room. He stepped up to it and opened it just a crack, he looked in, glancing from left to right before closing the door and turning to go downstairs.

He didn't let himself think about anything that had happened tonight, his Gran was ok; he was going to have a good night.

He saw Chop starting spin the bottle and shook his head.

_Chop, you're so fucking sexed up!_

He saw a space next to Rae and saw his chance to get talking to her tonight.

"You know he only ever organises things like this so he can get offers on it, don't ya?" She said nothing, "Rae?" still nothing.

_Why is she ignoring me? What have I done? I haven't done anything._

"Rae?"

"What?"

"Seriously, are you deaf?"

"Chill out, I jus' couldn't hear you."

_Bollocks!_

"Of course you could hear me!"

_I really don't know what's going on with her._

_I wish I did though._

_She's been right weird all fucking night._

_And I really don't like it._

"The almighty Barnstable!" Chop cried out. The bottle had stopped on Barney. He's the lad that Finn had seen Archie checking out earlier today. Finn turned to look, he knew he should be focussing on what was happening with Barney because of Archie, but he found himself turning back to Rae.

When the bottle landed on Archie, Finn felt his heart sink. Archie wouldn't have wanted this, even from a boy he might fancy, but especially not since he was so deeply in the closet. Finn felt his face screw up in sympathy for Archie.

_Poor Archie_.

After the kiss was done, he saw Archie share a meek smile with Rae, and figured he was ok. He turned his attentions back to Rae.

"So uh…. So who this Danny?"

His insides squirmed with feelings he didn't understand, and he wasn't sure he wanted to understand them.

"What's it to you?' Finn saw her eyes stray over to Danny as he talked to Archie. He felt a twinge in his hear that he didn't understand.

_What's it me?_

_What is it to me?_

_Why am I even asking her?_

"It's nought to me, I just wondered what school he went to, or if he's from around here?"

He could feel the heat of her, and he noticed every single place that their arms touched. And he felt a strong desire to know everything about this Danny guy. Everything.

_Leave off Finn!_

"No he's not from around here."

_She sounds so pissed off to be even talking to me._

_I really can't stand this._

_I hate the idea of Rae hating me._

_Oh fuck this, since when did I give a fuck if someone hates me?_

The bottle landed on the girl that had been eying him since the booze-shop. Finn looked at her and saw the desire in her eyes.

_You could have at it with her Finn. She's pretty._

_Yeah but I don't really want to._

_I too pissed off at Rae._

He saw her whisper to Chop and had a feeling he knew what she was up to. He thought he might wait till the bottle started and then casually get a drink; he wasn't in the mood for messing with that girl.

"Go get me a drink."

Finn had no idea what to say to Rae.

_First she hardly talk to me and now she's ordering me about._

"What?"

"Quick, now."

_No one's ever pissed me off like you Rae Earl._

"Get your own drink."

_Oh fuck. The bottle's on me. Thanks Rae._

The girl looked really pleased with herself and Finn noticed this with unease. He got up and leaned over the table to give the girl the most basic kiss he could get away with. She was a good kisser and she smelt sweet and her lips were soft. Normally that'd be enough for Finn to end up making out with the girl all night. But tonight he felt singularly unimpressed with everything.

Chop announce that next time it's be the closet for a minute. And he saw the girl giving the eye again. He was just exhausted and over this whole fucking thing.

Rae had confused and irritated the hell out of him.

This was not how tonight was supposed to have gone.

He wanted to get up and leave the game. But the fact that Rae was still playing made him stay. And he didn't understand it. He hated feeling like this. He particularly hated not understanding what he was feeling.

Chop spun the bottle,

_Please don't land on me._

_I really don't want to go into the closet and perform for a minute with a girl I'm just not interested in._

_Please don't land on me._

The bottle came to a stop facing Rae.

Everything slowed down for Finn. He turned and looked at her worried face, he saw Danny wink at her. And suddenly the he had a violent urge to beat the living shit out of every guy playing this game. Even Archie.

_Oh fuck._

_I like Rae._

Finn's stomach felt like it had fallen out of him as the realisation hit him.

He turned to look at her, but she was looking at the bottle, terrified. She didn't want to be kissed by one of these guys.

_If one of these fucking touches her, I'll fucking kick the shit out of 'em._

_No one touches her if she don't want it._

He looked at her face again.

_Oh my god. I really like her._

_What if the bottle lands on me? I could end up kissing her._

_But she don't like you Finn._

_And I don't like her. I have a strict 'no falling for mates' policy._

_I don't like her one bit. I'm actually right pissed off at her for being a knob all night. I'm gonna remember that. Cos I have a strict 'no falling for mates' policy._

_But what if it does land on me?_

_How far would she let me go in the closet? How much of her could I touch?_

_Look at her. Look at her eyes, they're so pretty. Oh fuck, her tits are so nice. I'd probably give my right nut to get my head in between those tits. Don't look at them Finn! Look at her face and her tiny nose. And her mouth. I could be kissing her._

_Don't think about it Finn._

_Don't think about it._

_You don't like her._

_Calm down._

_But I really, really hope it's me._

The bottle stopped on him

_Fuck._

_Fuck._

_Fuck._

_Shit._

_What's your face doing Finn?_

_Nothing… I think it's just blank._

_Good._

_Blank is good._

_Keep it that way._

_Show no emotion._

_Under no circumstances are you to show how elated you feel._

_Keep the face blank._

_Just stand up… No don't rub your sweaty palms on your jeans, you dickhead!_

_Fucking play it cool Finn!_

_Walk yourself over to that closet, and if you're real lucky, you might cop a feel._

Finn closed the door and immediately noticed how close she was. Her eyes downcast.

_I can smell her. She always has that smell, must be her shampoo or something. I hadn't noticed how much I notice it before._

_Ok Finn, play it cool, don't let her know how desperately you like her._

He could feel her breath on his skin and it sent tingles all over his body.

_I ache for you Rae._

He hadn't realised how much he wanted her until this moment.

He noticed every strand of hair, every pore of her skin. He saw the way her eyelashes moved as she moved her beautiful, expressive eyes. The cute way her nose turned up actually had him feeling a little giddy.

_Is giddy even a word? I feel giddy._

_Her mouth. Look at her mouth. Her lips are so perfect. The shape of them. I want to taste her so bad. I want to touch her._

_You're angry at her Finn, remember?_

_And you have a strict 'no falling for mates' policy._

_I want her to want me, even if it's just half as much as I want her._

_I've never wanted a person like this, or this much._

_I feel like a virgin again. I'm shaky inside._

_Would she kiss me back?_

_Would she let me touch her?_

_Let me kiss you Rae, please._

_You gotta say it out loud to her Finn._

"Rae?"

"Yeah?"

_Don't say it Finn, she don't like you – you'll make a knob of yourself._

"Why are you being such a complete knobhead to me?"

Finn was suddenly consumed with vulnerability. It hurt him that she didn't like him. He was scared to hear her answer, but he had to know. He had to know what was going on in that amazing head of hers.

_Are you seriously already in that deep Finn, that you can't think about Rae without thinking about how brilliant she is?_

_Her eyes are so spectacular. So expressive, but I can't read what they're telling me… I wish you were less enigmatic Rae - you're too mysterious for me, I'm not smart enough to crack your code. Just tell me what to do to make you want me._

"Sorry?"

"Did I do something to annoy ya?"

_How do I fix this?_

"No! I just, I just…"

_I don't understand!_

"Then why are you mugging me off all the time?"

_I need to know._

"I apologise for being a bit funny when we met but that were because I didn't know you. Now one minute you're dead nice to me and the next you're just being totally rude."

_I don't get it. And I'm starting to feel that frustration again. You don't like me, Rae. Fine. Tell me why!_

"I'm not trying to be rude."

"Then maybe it just comes naturally to you."

Finn felt a pang in his chest when he said it, but he was so confused about everything he was feeling and thinking. He couldn't tell if he had hurt her, but she didn't reply so he felt compelled to continue so that she'd say something to him.

"I thought we were getting on?"

"30 seconds left lovebirds"

_Make it better Finn and you still might get to kiss her._

_Ok don't look at her, get your shit together, and tell her you like her maybe? I dunno?_

_Just make it better_

"It's not as simple as that is it though?"

Finn literally cannot fathom what she could mean by that.

"It is as simple as that Rae. Either we're friends or we're not friends."

"Maybe I don't want to be your friend."

Finn felt his stomach fall out again. But not in the exciting uplifting way he had felt just a few moments before when he had realised he liked her. This was a miserable feeling of falling not despair.

He hadn't realised how deep his feelings were for her already.

"You what?" He struggled to make sense of what she was saying.

"Maybe I don't want to be your friend."

"Why not?"

She lowered her eyes and Finn felt lost.

_Will she not even tell me?_

_How can I fix it, if she won't tell me._

The door opened but he kept his eyes on her, hoping for a sign that she had been joking, or that they'd talk later, but she gave none. She couldn't even stand to look at him.

He had been utterly and totally rejected by her I every way possible.

He had to get out of there. He pushed past Chop and left without looking back.

The air outside stung his eyes.

_Am I?_

_Am I fucking crying?_

He wiped the tears away aggressively and sat on the hood of Archie's car. He smoked and tried to get his thoughts and feelings in order.

_Ok Finn. So you're in pretty deep with a girl, that can't even stand to look at you._

_So you gotta try to stop liking her now._

_Except you're gonna see her everyday cos she's part of your gang._

He laid back on the bonnet and closed his eyes.

Images of how close he'd come to kissing her lips flashed into his mind. He let them play out, taking a perverse pleasure in how much they hurt him. He knew this was a good way to get over her. Let all the pain come, then all the emotion would eventually fade away.

Usually half an hour was all it took to get himself over a crush.

_Just let it stab you and twist the blade – get you over it quick enough._

He thought of how self-conscious he'd been when she'd seen him topless at football.

_How the fuck did I not realise sooner?_

He smiled at all the memories his brain was bringing up.

"Rae as in Raymond. How stupid can you get?" He chuckled.

_Oh fuck, stabbing and twisting the blade was not working, it was only making him like her more, she was in too deep to just extract so easily._

_She'd been like some slow working drug that had built up in his system over time so that he never realised how dependent he was on her until he didn't have her._

"Why don't she like me?"

After another half an hour of it whirling around in his brain he jumped off the car bonnet.

"Oh fuck this, I'm gonna talk to me Gran, she'll know."

He walked up the stairs and glanced towards Rae's room, everyone was in there now. He went into Linda's room which was still empty.

He dialled the familiar number and waited.

"Hi, can I go through to room 493?"

"Sorry sir, I'll patch you to the nurse's desk in the geriatric ward."

_Fuck, she must be asleep. Sometimes the nurses put do not disturb on her phone line so she'd get more sleep. He should probably stop calling so late at night._

The phone clicked thought and a nurse picked up.

"Hi, can I speak to Greta nelson?"

"Finn?"

"Yeah, is that Carol?"

"Yes it is."

"How are you tonight sweet Carol?"

"Finn… Finn I'm so sorry. Your grandmother died about 20 minutes ago."

He couldn't respond.

"Finn? Finn can you hear me?"

"Yeah." His throat was dry and he barely made a sound.

"Your father was with her when she passed. It was painless."

"She wasn't alone then."

"No."

"She were always afraid of dying alone."

A few moments later the nurse hung up and Finn took the receiver from his ear.

He stared ahead silently. His mind couldn't understand. Slowly tears started to crawl down his cheeks.

He didn't know how long he sat like that. He felt like he was lost at sea, at night, alone, with no life raft or vest, and no hope of survival… or rescue. No one would come to save him. He was utterly alone.

But then he heard her voice behind him, and as he turned to see her, he had known it would be her that came for him. HE saw her look at the phone receiver and back at him, knew that she understood. Barely herd what she was saying, just the tone. She cared. She cared.

_I'm not alone._

She as there, her arms around him. He flung his arms around her and wept. He was safe. He could weep now. He could grieve in her presence.

He didn't know how long he wept. But he knew that she held him the whole time.

She soothed him and didn't judge him when he babbled on about how he'd miss his Gran so much.

Eventually they laid down together, next to each other. Just their arms touching. He wanted to kiss her again, but also didn't want to do it while he was so sad. So he let that urge fade into the background, he knew it would rise again later. He already knew that it wasn't like, it was love. And that was ok. Life was too short to worry about it. He just knew he liked being near her. She made everything alright.

"I thought you weren't having a party."

"I wanted to piss my mum off. You alright?"

"Yeah. I s'pose. So you'd have liked me Nan; she was always talking about something

"What you trying to say?"

"Nothing! Just that you're always banging on about it."

"You cheeky bastard!"

"No, I mean in a good way. I like it. I like talking to you. And I don't like talking to anybody."

It felt good saying these things to her. It felt good seeing the smiles she gave him.

"So are we alright?"

"Yeah, we're alright."

The happiness that brought him was enough. He felt peaceful. He could smell her hair, feel her beside him, and knew that they were alright. He could rest after all the pain and grief of today, he could sleep as long as she was there.

He closed his eyes to sleep, and felt her move closer as he drifted off.

_Clean up in the morning was actually fun. I love this gang of people._

_Danny didn't seem to be ok in the morning and I felt like a right prat for hating him so much last night. Rae'll look after him; that's what she does._

_But I couldn't hug Rae properly. If I'd've felt her body up against mine, I would've embarrassed myself. I suppose I could've twisted my hips to the side. But I can't guarantee that hugging her wouldn't result in me stroking her hair or declaring love or kissing her lips. Best to play it safe._


End file.
